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Double Bind
A double bind is when you're damned if you do, damned
if you don't and damned if you say anything about it.
Double Binds are conflicting messages that create "can't
win" situations that are also "Not a topic of discussion". Someone
caught in a double bind wants to say, "No matter what, I just can't win."
or "There's just no pleasing you, is there?"
We learn to behave in ways that make sense within given
contexts. Since many behavioral contexts involve interaction with others,
the interactions can have a powerful effect on behavior. The following
types of double binds create internal conflicts. Left unresolved, these
conflicts can lead to protest and confusion, followed by hopelessness and
finally, detachment and resentment.
"According to some experts, like Gregory Bateson
who first described double binds in 1972, manifestations of either schizophrenia
or borderline personality disorder may occur in extreme cases."
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Chastised for correct perceptions.
The right perceptions are the wrong ones.
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E.g. Violent household but is
expected to see parents as loving and peaceful. "I love you and you better
believe it or I'll smack you!"
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E.g. "Stop questioning what
I tell you, (here comes the index finger) I've been around a lot longer
than you have you know." - Chastised for questioning conflicting messages.
Lack of correct perceptions is reinforced and rewarded, clarification
is punished.
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Fulfillment requires someone
else doing something without being asked. Asking someone to do
something that requires them doing it without being asked, is a self-defeating
paradox.
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E.g. "Surprise me by doing something
right for a change, I'd like that!"
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E.g. "If only he would spontaneously
say he loves me once in a while, then I would really feel loved."
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Expected to feel a different
way than what is actually felt. Can't feel that way and what is
felt, is wrong.
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E.g. "The proper way to feel
about this is ____."
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E.g. "You should be ashamed
of yourself." - If the "proper" feelings aren’t achieved, guilt is sometimes
felt. If feeling guilty is not "proper", the result is feeling bad about
feeling bad.
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Demand and prohibit at the
same time. Placed in a position of having to disobey to obey.
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E.g. "Follow my instructions
on how to be independent." E.g. "Listen to me, you've got to take control
over your life."
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E.g. "Tell me the truth, don’t
you lie to me." - Admit the truth and be severely punished or receive
lesser punishment for lying.
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Using the opposite of the desired
type of relationship. Relationship paradox: To get the desired
relationship the opposite one has to be used, so the desired relationship
is never achieved.
Double binds are reinforced by patterns that disqualify
one person's experience. Making something that was said "unimportant",
can be done the following ways.
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The subject is changed or evaded.
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The meaning of what was said is changed.
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The context of what was said is changed.
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What was said is over-ridden by status.
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Cast doubt about validity of what was said.
Double binds are often stacked together. This
compounds the task of dealing with the situation.
E.g. "You want my help! I never got into this kind of
trouble when I was a kid. Surprise me by doing something right for a change,
I'd like that! You should be ashamed of yourself. Listen to me, you've got
to take control over your life. Stop questioning what I tell you, (here
comes the index finger) I've been around a lot longer than you have you
know."
E.g. "You must accept that you are (identity
label) before we can help you. We are only doing this
for your own good, out of love and compassion for you, even though you are
(identity label) . When you say that we have the
problem, that we are doing this to suit ourselves because we don't like
the way you are, it only proves that you are indeed (identity
label) .
Dealing with double binds.
One option is to complete the pattern, go directly to detachment
and do your own thing, trust in your own ability to make choices that best
serve your needs (the 3rd choice).
If detachment is not an option, then break the pattern
by commenting on, and/or questioning, the nature of the communication.
Sleight of Mouth patterns are useful for this.
E.g. "You're
only thinking that because you're not considering the impact of what you
are thinking."
E.g. "Have you
noticed that what you are thinking creates a no-win situation?"
E.g. "Thinking
in no-win terms, creates no-win results."
E.g. "How do
you figure out the difference between those ideas?"
E.g. "If those
ideas belong together, do they apply to everyone else?"
E.g. "What do
you intend by that, what do you really want?"
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