What is love? Where can it be found?
People are looking for love. That signifies that it is something people can see. Love is visible in the faces and actions of people who love someone, especially when they are near the person they love.
Finding someone they can see loves them, is only half of what people are looking for. The other half is finding someone who loves them, that they love. Their own love for someone is not so easy to see, unless they are watching themselves on a video. A person’s own love for someone is easier for them to feel, than it is for them to see.
We see other peoples feelings and feel our own, noticing our feelings and how we behave in response to those feelings. To find love, people need to use different combinations of senses for each side of the equation.
To notice someone’s love for you.
- See their behavior.
- Hear their thoughts.
- Deduce their feelings.
To notice your love for someone.
- Feel your responses.
- Hear your thoughts.
- Deduce your feelings.
Use the right combination of senses with equal amounts of attention.
- Using the wrong senses to detect love in either side of the equation, creates confusion because the feelings deduced are based on inaccurate information.
- Some people pay less attention to their own feelings. They often end up loving the love they get from others, even though they do not feel that love for the other person.
- Some people pay less attention to seeing and hearing how others feel. They often end up pursuing relationships with people who do not love them back and may not even like them!
There is a way for people to see their own behavior and gain a different perspective on the behavior of others. NLP calls this 3rd position, the fly on the wall or outside observer perspective. For those who regularly practice thinking about seeing their interactions from this perspective, their mental projection of the interaction is based on observable feedback. This perspective helps people see what is really happening, rather than seeing what they want to see because of their feelings for the other person.
An important question is… How does each person define love? This may be totally different for each person! In NLP the word love, is called a nominalization. It’s a word used to describe a whole set of feelings and behaviors, without saying anything about what those feelings and behaviors are. Our idea of love is often derived from the teachings of family, society and media. It is each persons differing definition, criteria, for love that causes them to admit or deny that they feel “love” or “loved”. When each person’s criteria are met, then they have mutual love. The next question is about compatible biases. Can they live with one another? That, is a topic for another day.
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